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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Plate spinner

Most of the time, I come to my blog and say whatever the heck I want to say because, well, it's my blog. But today, I've gone back and forth about whether or not to write what I'm feeling. In part because I like for this blog to be a place where people can come to get their daily dose of laughter -- or at least a smile. And in part because people I know read this blog and I feel kind of vulnerable.

I looked at the titles of every post I've written in 2010, wanting to make sure that I haven't been delivering up regular doses of "woe is me." I don't think I have (at least not an overwhelming amount of woe, anyway.) Ultimately, I decided that what I value in the blogs that I read is honesty and I want to reciprocate that here.

So people, I am feeling overwhelmed. sad. crushed. broken. weary. Not over any one thing in particular, but by the convergence of several things. It's like I'm one of those plate spinners in the circus and I've been doing (I think) an admirable job of keeping those plates spinning, mostly out of necessity, a bit out of pride, a lot out of fear of what happens when those plates fall and crash to the floor in thousands of shattered pieces at my feet.

plate spinning

Well, this week, I have pretty much walked away from those damn plates. I have put myself in survival mode and have done just what I've needed (and the kids have needed) to do to get by.

And today, I'm waving the white flag. I took a sick day. Dropped the kids off at school, went to Weight Watchers (don't ask), came home and climbed into bed. That was more than 2 hours ago. And I don't have any intention of getting out of this bed until the kids get home from school, unless it's to take a hot bath, which I might do.

I tried to sleep, to no avail. I perused Facebook which led me to read the entire 27 pages of the story of a young mother's unsuccessful fight against cancer. When I came to the final entry, I cried. Quietly at first, for the loss her family must be feeling. For the heartache my friends who knew her are now knowing. And then, I sobbed, the grief from her story unlocking the sadness and fears about my own life that I had so successfully buried inside.

And I felt silly, stupid really. I do not have a terminal illness. My children are healthy. I have a job and people who love me. So what if I'm convinced that the teachers at school think I'm "that mother" -- that disengaged, disorganized, dis...whatever mother. So what if the bushes in the front yard need to be cut back and the garage is a mess and the inside of my car desperately needs to make friends with a vacuum cleaner. (Please don't think that's all that's driven me to this pity party. There's more, but I'm just not ready to share it all.)

But no matter how stupid I felt, I let the tears fall. Because this is my life. This is how I'm feeling and I'm determined to feel it. Not for days on end, but at least until 3pm this afternoon, at which point, I will put my big girl panties and my perma-press smile on and go back to dealing with it.

Since that's kind of what I just did, I'm tagging this post with the Pour My Heart Out button. Click it to find more heart-felt posts from other bloggers.

18 comments:

VandyJ said...

I have days when I just want to go back to bed too. Usually the next day looks better. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

Shell said...

I love your honesty in this post. We have to be real and that includes talking about our bad days, too.

I can relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed and then it will be something small that totally makes me cry. And if you look at that single event, you think I'm crazy for sobbing over it(it could be something little like forgetting to get the chicken out of the freezer to defrost) you'll think that I'm insane. But, it's really because there is so much else going on and that was just one last thing and all of a sudden, I just can't take anything.

I just wrote you a book.

Thanks for linking up!

Eternal Lizdom said...

I soooo know how you are feeling. And yesterday, a bunch of it came to a head for me. I shared on your fan page about what helpe dme. And it might be a temporary fix. But I am feeling better.

Biggest thing for me is to turn to God.

Kim - In Search of Me in Mommy said...

OMG - It must be contagious...you just wrote (exchange a few details) about my day yesterday, and the day before. I had a whole bunch of plates crashing and then I proceeded to beat up on myself - because I shouldn't have let ANY drop...the tears flowed, my eyes were puffy, and I GET IT...I just needed TO FEEL - as crappy as it felt (and a twinge still does today) - I JUST NEEDED TO FEEL IT!

I kept remembering that it will pass...and it slowly is.

Beautifully, brutally honest post! Thanks - I'm not feeling so alone.

Vicki said...

Everybody has a day when they need to vent or share their feelings with others. True friends will understand and support you. The rest,you ignore. You share what you can,when you can.Here again,your true friends will respect you and support you.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Vicki said...

Everybody has a day when they need to vent or share their feelings with others. True friends will understand and support you. The rest,you ignore. You share what you can,when you can.Here again,your true friends will respect you and support you.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Beth said...

Oh Amy!
I know, just a little bit, of what plates you have been called to keep spinning, and I think you are doing a remarkable job! And maintaining a VERY positive spirit and good humor while you've been at it. It's not much of a wonder that every once in a while you need a sanity break and a moment to just watch 'em crash and say ... "Well that sucks!" And some times there just are no answers for why life has to be hard and why it hurts. That's when we cling to the truth that we have a good God with a good plan! And we glue the shattered pieces back together as best we can and we set the plates back on their poles and we go back to spinning. It's not perfect but for now it's what we've got. Love you, girly!

Tylaine said...

Sometimes we just need to take a day for ourselves. I can so relate to your feelings. Thankyou for your honesty! It's wonderful to read that we are not alone. :)

Momza said...

Oh I have days like this too.
So it's just one day. And tomorrow you'll feel better and have your mojo back. everyone needs a day like this once in awhile. I call it "circling the wagons"....time to take inventory, make adjustments, reconciliations with myself and circumstances...then move forward.
Hang in there Sis.

Carrie said...

We've all been there before... and undoubtedly will be there again. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel...everything - without reservation. It doesn't make you a bad person, or mother. It just makes us human. Thanks for a beautiful post, and for reminding us that we're not alone. I hope you can sweep up those pieces, discard the ones that no longer matter, and piece back together the ones that do. Sounds like you had a much needed spring cleaning in your heart and mind. Hang in there!

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I have definitely had many, many days like this. I wish I could be more open about it on my blog, but I have unwanted readers and that keeps me from being as open as I'd sometimes like to be.
My birthday just passed and my family, who I go out of my way to make happy and ESPECIALLY on their birthdays, did nothing for me...NOTHING. Right now, I would like to get on a plane bound for a tropical location and leave them all to fend for themselves for a couple of weeks.
But...I'd just come home to a disaster anyway and guess who'd have to clean it up?
So, yeah, I get it.

Cat said...

Everyone has bad days, you're not alone. I hope you're feeling better, but if you're not, hey, life comes around eventually.

Shelley said...

[tears]

Anonymous said...

((hugs)). we all have those days. i do hope you feel better soon. btw...it's alright to cry every now and then. we all need to just let everything out sometimes.

diane
toronto, on

Micah and Emily said...

Ahh, the joys of being human! Sorry to hear things are crappy for you today and hope the situation begins to look up soon.

E

B said...

We are women. We wear a lot of hats as mom, wife, employee...etc, etc, etc. We spin a lot of plates. Eventually one falls and that usually leads to others falling. It is a part of life and we all experience moments in time like that. The good news? Eventually we are able to pick up another plate and spin it, then keep adding those plates back until they are all spinning once again.

Sometimes we need a trigger to help us let out our tears and strife and you found yours today. I hope it helped you feel a bit better and that each day is a bit better.

Linda in Winnipeg said...

I climbed into bed around 3 pm yesterday and I am still there..

I figure I am about ready to go do something useful around the house but not ready to answer a phone.

Linda

Joanie M said...

Oh I have been there! I think we must be related. I'm as dis-organized as you. We are so much alike on so many levels. I think that's why I love reading your blog.