Moving violations

I had to institute a new rule in the car today. It doesn't have anything to do with not eating in the car or not putting your feet on the dashboard or your hands out the window. It's not about the volume of the music or who must sit where in the carpool.

Nope. The new rule is this: There is NO punching the driver.

For the past 3 weeks or so, Annie has been balling up her fist and socking my right shoulder, saying "Green one" or "blue one" or "silver one." Of course, she was playing the punch buggy game. Or what I know to be the punch buggy game. When you see a VW bug, you punch the person next to you and call out the color.

However, thanks to this VW commercial, the game has gotten way out of hand:

Except it's not called "Punch Buggy," as it was when I was a kid. Now it's called "Punch Dub" and the alleged new rules are that you can punch any time you see any model of VW -- Beetle, Passat, Routan, etc. Well, that leads to a heck of a lot of punching -- and that doesn't even count the "2 for flinching" or the "3 for lying."

If that's not bad enough, the kids are also playing the "tweeter" game, which calls for a person to holler "tweeter" and land a punch every time they see a yellow car. Trust me, there are more yellow vehicles out there than you'd think.

Now, these two games are dangerous. First, you just can't have someone hauling off and hitting the driver. It's distracting and startling and a little painful. Second, the driver then starts taking his or her eyes off the traffic around them just to search out a VW or a yellow car -- or in the ultimate victory, a yellow VW.

I can hear it now. "No, officer, I was not texting while driving. I was trying to punch my kid for the blue one before she could do it to me."

Seriously, I think Oprah may have to get involved.

Hang up and drive

I typically am not part of the Oprah Nation. I don't read books she's recommended until long after the recommendation because I don't want people to think I've been drinking her Kool-aid. I don't religiously watch her shows. I didn't weep at the news that she will retire.

But once in a while, Oprah does say something that makes me sit up and listen. Right now that something is her campaign to end distracted driving.

I'll admit it. I'm guilty of this. I do make a concerted effort to put the phone down and leave it down when I'm driving the carpool home from school. So, why don't I do it all the time? Aren't my own kids worth the concentration that I ensure when I'm driving other people's kids? Aren't the people driving around me?

It's not just about texting, though I do think that is the most dangerous distraction. Even just talking on the phone is distracting enough. Do you ever get to a destination and can't exactly recall the details of the trip there?

I'll holler at the kids for being too loud in the car, telling them I can't drive with all that noise. How is the yammer of a friend in my ear any different? What kind of example am I setting for Annie, who will be driving in just 3 short years?

From now on, the phone stays in my purse or closed in the center console of the car. I know of someone who puts it in the back seat, intentionally out of reach.

So, on this occasion, I'm with Oprah. No more distracted driving. I've even signed her cyber pledge. Will you?

Visiting the church of O

I don't usually subscribe to the church of O -- Oprah that is. I know people who follow her religiously, watching or at least taping her shows every day, reading every books she recommends, taking on every challenge she issues.

But today's show was about Oprah's most recent weight gain, why it happened and what she's gonna do about it. So while I'm not a card-carrying member of the church of O, I am happy to fill a seat (or a seat and a half) when the subject is weight because fat girls know fat girls. And fat girls stick together.

For years, I've thrown money at my fat, hoping some of it would stick and melt away the fat. I'm a repeat offender at Weight Watchers. I've done NutriSystem. I sought out help from a physician and her team of fat fighters. I joined Jazzercize, and for four torturous months last year, got up at 4:30am five days a week to participate in a fitness boot camp. The result? I gained 3 pounds.

Yes, despite all of her money, Oprah's fallen off the wagon. Of course, I haven't managed to even climb aboard yet. So I DVR'd the show and sat down to watch.

She attributed some of her 50 pound weight gain to a thyroid condition. Oh, how often I've wished I had a thyroid issue -- something I could point to as a cause for my excess girth. But in reality, I have a "can't say no to chocolate or sugar or fried foods" issue.

"When you see me gain weight," Oprah said, "it's not about me pigging out. It's always about my life is out of balance. It's about what I am really hungry for."

Amen to that, sister! And if I can figure out what I am really hungry for, I'll be on my way.

Oprah said she felt like the thyroid diagnosis was a "fat" sentence. That she didn't have any choice but to be fat. I think about that too. I've been overweight for so long, I can't envision my body in any other way. But here's the rub -- I don't want to see my body in this way.

I'm not all about being a size 6. I just want an existence where I can walk up the 3 flights of stairs to my office without having to pause to regain breath before opening the door just so I can talk to the administrative assistant. I'd like to be able to eat Mexican food or Italian food or any food without thinking about whether I've taken my Nexium to ward off miserable heart burn. I'd like to walk into a regular store and just buy something off the rack.

Bob Greene "diagnosed" Oprah has having depression. Of course. Despite the jolly fat person persona that is perpetuated by Santa Claus, John Goodman and Al Roker, I'd venture to guess that more overweight people feel depressed more often than jolly.

The queen of daytime talk -- heck, the queen of all things media -- says despite all of her fame and wealth, she never really learned how to be happy. So 2009, O declared through my DVR, is about having more joy, more hopefulness. (I'll even forgive her for the veiled political "hope won" reference.)

And who knew? Oprah and I are of the same mind on that one.

I decided on my own, before Oprah's best life programming ever hit the airwaves, that this is the year that I am not going to live on the surface of life. I'm not going to invest time and energy in things that don't bring me joy or ignite my passion. It's not a resolution really. Just an investment in myself and my family. Whether or not that translates into a healthier body remains to be seen. But I think it will go miles toward a healthier me in general.

This is kind of a diversion from the normal frog fare I ususally serve up here. But if Oprah can go on national TV running on an elliptical, out of breath in a shirt that might have been a bit better one size up, I can expose my thoughts here.