Ten days ago, I was all excited about a date night with Mike. I had bought a new dress and felt, dare I say it, sexy in it. I promised details and pictures when the evening was over.
The date itself was fun. We went to a fundraiser for Joy's House, an adult day facility, that is near and dear to our hearts. I'd forgotten how many people we know who also love Joy's House. The food was good -- best banquet steak I've ever had! We stayed within our budget and were able to contribute a little bit directly to Joy's House, but also came home with a cool trio of paintings for our sunroom.
What was not fun was having Annie snap our picture before we left. Well, the taking of the picture wasn't so bad. It was the looking at the picture on my phone just after. Holy cascade of chins FatWoman! It's not that I'm not aware of the fat that I'm carrying around. My I don't usually have to look directly at it. And seeing it in the camera roll on my iPhone, it made me feel just the opposite of the sexy I had been feeling. It made me feel ugly and unworthy.
So that's why I didn't share the pics here or on Facebook.
But as I said, I'm a woman of my word. I've eaten and sat my way into this mess, so it's time that I own it:
It's a far cry -- and about 50 pounds from this picture, one of my favorites when I felt "skinny," even though I still had about 40 pounds to lose:
So, now I'm left with "what do I do?" Maybe I'll put both pictures on the fridge and in my bathroom and in my car as inspiration.Maybe I'll do nothing and just be frustrated and uncomfortable for a while longer. I'm stuck in the excuse phase, you know the one where you can come up with 100 reasons for why something can't be done? Yeah. That's where I am.
But those 100 reasons are starting to butt up against the 100 reasons why I am so unhappy with my body the way it is. I'm not making any promises or big announcements. I'm not jumping on a wagon and inviting anyone along with me.
I just AM right now. And soon, I'll have to move in one direction or another. I know where I need to go. I know where my head wants to go. But the inside part of me, that's the part that needs convincing. And unfortunately, the only convincer it will listen to is me.
So today, I'm living up to my word to share the picture from date night. Maybe the very public admission of how I went from sexy to sad will ignite something. I guess time will tell.