The job of the line judge is to stand at one corner of the volleyball court and to wave your flag in various directions to indicate that the ball is in or out or that the server stepped on the line or that the wisp of someone's fingernail touched the ball before it sailed out of bounds. Being the line judge is completely stressful. Winners and losers can be decided all based on what one line judge did or did not see. Plus, being a line judge totally interferes with the chatty mom role I prefer to play during volleyball games.
So while I was doing my line judging duty, I used lulls in the action to think up ways that I could get out of the job. Here's what I came up with:
- Wet my pants enough to cause a puddle to form beneath me. (That wouldn't have been much of a stretch...note to all future line judges: pee first.)
- Throw up on the court. Definitely not sanitary, but a sure-fire way to make sure no one argued with me about stepping down.
- Re-enact the high school drill team's half-time flag routine with the small red flag I was supposed to use to indicate in, out and whatever else the flag is for.
- Cheer loudly for the home team. As a line judge, you are supposed to remain impartial.
- Yell "miss it" in the middle of an opposing player's serve (see above re: impartiality).
- Stand with my knees locked and will myself to faint right on the spot.
- Call for a do-over several plays in a row, saying "I really should have worn my glasses for the game."
- Yell "Way to go, Paul" every time a player messes up.
- Order a pizza to be delivered mid-game and assure the official that I am an excellent multi-tasker.
- Duck and scream every time the ball comes within 3 feet of me.
Alas, I did none of these. Instead I stuck out the shift, did not have to make any controversial calls, and made a mental note to be first in line to sign up for ticket sales at the next game.