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Monday, October 15, 2012

Because I'm a woman of my word...

even if my word is reluctant, which in this case, it totally is.

Ten days ago, I was all excited about a date night with Mike. I had bought a new dress and felt, dare I say it, sexy in it. I promised details and pictures when the evening was over.

The date itself was fun. We went to a fundraiser for Joy's House, an adult day facility, that is near and dear to our hearts. I'd forgotten how many people we know who also love Joy's House. The food was good -- best banquet steak I've ever had! We stayed within our budget and were able to contribute a little bit directly to Joy's House, but also came home with a cool trio of paintings for our sunroom.

What was not fun was having Annie snap our picture before we left. Well, the taking of the picture wasn't so bad. It was the looking at the picture on my phone just after. Holy cascade of chins FatWoman! It's not that I'm not aware of the fat that I'm carrying around. My I don't usually have to look directly at it. And seeing it in the camera roll on my iPhone, it made me feel just the opposite of the sexy I had been feeling. It made me feel ugly and unworthy.

So that's why I didn't share the pics here or on Facebook.

But as I said, I'm a woman of my word. I've eaten and sat my way into this mess, so it's time that I own it:

It's a far cry -- and about 50 pounds from this picture, one of my favorites when I felt "skinny," even though I still had about 40 pounds to lose:

So, now I'm left with "what do I do?" Maybe I'll put both pictures on the fridge and in my bathroom and in my car as inspiration.Maybe I'll do nothing and just be frustrated and uncomfortable for a while longer. I'm stuck in the excuse phase, you know the one where you can come up with 100 reasons for why something can't be done? Yeah. That's where I am. 

But those 100 reasons are starting to butt up against the 100 reasons why I am so unhappy with my body the way it is. I'm not making any promises or big announcements. I'm not jumping on a wagon and inviting anyone along with me. 

I just AM right now. And soon, I'll have to move in one direction or another. I know where I need to go. I know where my head wants to go. But the inside part of me, that's the part that needs convincing. And unfortunately, the only convincer it will listen to is me. 

So today, I'm living up to my word to share the picture from date night. Maybe the very public admission of how I went from sexy to sad will ignite something. I guess time will tell.


Beth Zimmerman said...

I'm with you ... And stress isn't helping!

Beth said...

The weight I lost slowly creeped back on but I know I'm not ready to try and do anything about it just yet. Taking it back off takes commitment and time and energy and just typing that was exhausting. For now, I'll just feel guilty every time I pass by weight watchers without going in but I know that when I finally decide to jump back in they'll still be there.

Amy said...


I'm stalled, too. Tomorrow is my annual physical and I'm all ready with the litany of reasons why I'm carrying around the extra weight of a kindergartner (a smallish one, at least). And my youngest is in 2nd grade already, so I'm wondering whose kid I'm lugging around if it ain't mine.

I was sure that working full time would somehow spur a thunderous weight loss, but the only storm 'round here has been a few extra nightcaps (get it.."caps"...)

Anyhow, I get you.

Darlene said...

When I first met you at EBWW I was at the midpoint of my weight loss journey; the pounds had crept on over a period of 15 years. I was ready to lose them because being as uncomfortable as I was all the time I couldn't do anything else. When you are ready in your head, you will begin. And I wish you all the best.

CWMartin said...

Congratulations on posting the pics. You are a courageous woman, and I have faith in you to do what you set out.

kimybeee said...

you are beautiful inside and out!!!!

i have to say that my weight has crept us so much lately that i am developing cankles - not a pretty sight! i have been living with chins for years, but the cankles i don't like. yet i still have no motivation to do anything about it either - woe is us!!!

Unknown said...

Your honesty continues to amaze me! Writing is such a great way to inspire ourselves- I can't wait to see what you just inspired yourself to do!

Janet said...

Love the dress.

Unknown said...

Ive been on Dr. Piatek's plan now for over a year, and while I didn't/haven't lost all the weight I wanted to I have kept a good 35 pounds offbfor over a year. My take: at my age I'm going to be taking meds for high bp or diabetes, so why not take something that controls my appetite?

Rachel said...

I cried while reading this. I am so there.

And I've used the same three-year old pictures in my Christmas cards because I'm too ashamed of my weight.

Seeing recent pictures ... let's just call them what they are: HOLY COW DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT? Trying to get them to the point of being motivation pictures, but my mind is just spent right now.

Thank you for posting this. Your honesty is inspiring - and it might be the kick in the pants I needed too.