Black Jelly Bean Rescue Society

It happens every year at this time.

Candy lovers young and old tear through their Easter baskets, scarfing down Reese's peanut butter eggs and marshmallow Peeps. They methodically dismember chocolate rabbits and quickly eat the evidence. Fistfuls of Robin's Eggs are followed by quick pops of jelly beans. Until...

...only the lowly black jelly beans are in the bottom of the basket, left to sit and harden over a year's time until they are tossed when the Easter baskets are pulled out of storage again. That's if they are lucky.

The really unlucky black jelly beans are ridiculed and publicly humiliated.

"Ewww! I hate black jelly beans!"

"Those are so disgusting!"

I, for one, can no longer sit idly by, watching abuse heaped upon these poor stepchildren of the confectionary world. So I'm doing something about it.

I hereby announce the opening of the Black Jelly Bean Rescue Society (BJBRS - pronounced "bee-jee-bers). My Easter basket is open as a repository for all the unwanted, unloved, black licorice-flavored pellets.

The mission of BJBRS is to help these delicious bits of Easter candy realize their true potential: to bring mouth-watering joy to those who will consume them. Each black jelly bean surrendered to BJBRS will be stroked and complimented and loved.

"Look at you and your beautiful, shiny black coat."

"Well, don't you just smell delicious this morning."

And upon eating, "Mmmmmm! You taste sooooo good! I love you."

I promise a well-loved and dignified fate for every black jelly bean entrusted to me.

No questions will be asked of those who surrender their black jelly beans to BJBRS. I would rather you give them a loving end than cast them off to the bottom of the waste basket or damage their delicate psyches with hurtful words.

Please package them carefully in sandwich baggies, so as to avoid losing any to random sidewalks or sentencing them to a life under the front seat of the car. Should you have entire pre-packaged bags of black jelly beans (and if you hate them so, I can only believe you purchased them with evil in mind), please let me know in advance so I can be sure to have enough black jelly bean-loving foster homes prepared to accept them.

Together, we can end the humiliation and hatred against the gelee haricot de noir -- the black jelly bean.

5 completely fictional causes I could stand behind

Doesn't it seem like there's always a new petition to sign or cause to support? I was thinking about this yesterday and thought of a few that I'd happily lend my signature to.

1. "Occupy December" -- A movement to stay home the entire month of December and alternatively be lazy and efficiently domestic
2. Bring back the "Facts of Life" -- A petition to get Nickelodeon, The Hub, TBS, TVLand or some other television channel to start airing re-runs of the '80s sitcom "The Facts of Life"
3. Fashion declaration -- A push to have Stacey and Clinton declare on "What Not to Wear" that which I already know: Lime green is the new neutral.
4. Cereal: It's What's for Dinner -- A move to alleviate guilt on the part of mothers everywhere by declaring one day a month (even better, a week!) as Cereal for Dinner day.
5. Accio Siesta! -- So I just mixed a little Harry Potter speak with Spanish, but bring on the afternoon naptimes. My brother-in-law commented over Thanksgiving that I sleep in phases, a few hours here and there. See how well an afternoon siesta would work for me?

What fictitious cause could you get behind?