A story problem

The Question: Robbie is a 6-year-old boy who weighs 58 pounds and is 48 inches tall. His mom is a 38-year old woman who weighs X pounds, is 62 inches tall and has 95% heartburn. If Robbie climbs in his mom's bed, which is 76 inches wide, and proceeds to sleep at a 90 degree angle to the top of the bed approximately 1/3 of the way from the edge of the bed, where does that leave his mom?

The Answer: Blogging on the couch at 3:40am

Biggest Loser finale: Surprise Ending

The finale of the Biggest Loser last night delivered a surprise ending -- a surprise especially to me because I fell asleep in the commercial break before the final weigh in, which is why I am finishing this blog at 4:30am.

Flying in and snatching certain victory from game dominator Tara was Helen, who clinched the win by losing 54.47% (140 pounds) of her total body weight.

In fact, with a 52.72% weight loss, Tara ended up coming in third place after both Helen and Mike, who lost 53.35% of his total body weight.

If it's any consolation, Tara looked healthier (read: better) than Helen. But Helen obviously worked her butt off (literally) and deserves the congratulations.

The competition between the eliminated players was handily won by 64-year-old Jerry who posted a 47.97% weight loss of 177 pounds.

Now that I've gotten the big news out of the way, I'll run down the show as it happened. (I wrote this as it happened, which is why it is written in present tense.)

Mike is the first up. He is crazy skinny. I think he must be burning 200 calories a minute just by smiling.

Ron's next. Holy smokes! I cannot believe how good he looks. But which one did America choose to be the 3rd finalist?

It's Mike! That's gonna make the race to the title pretty interesting. Mike, Tara & Helen. I'd like to say that it's between Tara and Mike, but I could see Helen sneaking in for the win. (ETA: Did I call that or what?!)

New vote: Two people vying for final spot on the next season. America gets to vote which one should be on the show. It's between Erinn, who is a senior at Ohio State, and Amanda, a 19-year-old from New Jersey. They look very similar, both in size and physical appearance -- pretty blondes. They are going to work out with Bob and Jillian during the show. Amanda looks tough in the workouts. Reminds me of Tara II. Seems like Erinn needs the help the most. But what do I know? Because Amanda was voted in as the final contestant on the next season of The Biggest Loser.

Estella and Jerry: They both look great, but definitely older. Annie thinks Jerry is dressed pretty sharply.

Damien and Nicole: He did ok. She is smokin'! When she walks down the aisle in August, her wedding dress will be a size 8.

Pound for Pound challenge. Please leave a comment if you participated -- and how much you've lost! Across the country, nearly 3 million pounds lost! Plus, if you pledge to pounds to lose this summer, General Mills will donate up to 1 million more pounds of food. Last chance pledges will be accepted through the end of this month.

Finally -- time to start weighing in...

Estella: SW: 242. CW: 159 (-83 pounds). 34.3% weight loss

Jerry: SW: 369. CW: 192 (-177 pounds) 47.97% weight loss

Damien: SW: 381. CW: 245 (-136 pounds) 35.7% weight loss

Nicole: SW: 269. CW: 146 (-123 pounds) 45.72% weight loss

Sione: Totally hot! SW: 372. CW: 226 (-146 pounds) 39.25% weight loss

Filipe: Needs some fashion advice. SW: 364. CW: 229 (-135 pounds) 37.09%

The newly buff Filipe and Sione did the Tongan dance again. It was awesome!

Carla: SW: 379. CW: 251 (-128 pounds) 33.77%

Joelle: Really looks beautiful. SW: 309. CW: 229 (-80 pounds) 25.89%

Blaine: SW: 365. CW: 249. (-116 pounds) 31.78%

Dane: SW: 412. CW: 258 (-154 pounds) 37.38%

In the three weeks before the finale, Blaine and Dane completed a 1/2 marathon, a full marathon, and a 1/2 iron man competition!

Mandie: SW: 263. CW: 171 (-92 pounds) 34.98%

Aubrey: SW: 249. CW: 194 (-55 pounds) 22.09% -- 11 pounds for each of her 5 kids! In the scheme of this game, 55 pounds doesn't seem like much, but I wouldn't turn it down if it came my way.

Cathy: SW: 293. CW: 198 (-95 pounds) 32.42% weight loss

Kristin: As a blonde! Not sure I like that so much. It reminds me of that crazy Susan Powter woman. SW: 360. CW: 193 (-167 pounds). 46.39%. She missed overtaking Jerry by just 5 pounds!

David: SW: 393. CW: 350 (-43) 10.94%.

Daniel: I love this guy. When he came out, he said "I can lose 100 pounds and I'm still obese. Then I can lose another 100 and 50 more if I gotta. The point is don't ever give up." SW: 454. CW: 312 (-142 pounds) 31.28%.

Laura: SW: 285. CW: 199 (-86 pounds). 30.18%

Jerry just needs to beat Shannon and Ron to win the $100,000. He's got Shannon, no problem. Ron...I'm not sure. As Jerry said, it comes down to the two old guys.

Shannon: SW: 283. CW: 191 (-92 pounds) 32.51% A lot of us felt like Helen should have let Shannon stay on the ranch when the choice was between the two of them. But Shannon has lost almost 100 pounds on her own, so kudos to her.

Ron: SW: 430. CW: 238 (-192 pounds)

Jerry wins the $100,000! To celebrate, he hoisted Jillian up in his arms. At age 64, he's the oldest competitor ever on The Biggest Loser!

Now on to the three finalists:
As I said earlier, Mike looks super skinny. Helen, well, she looks a kind of wrinkly, but skinny. Think she could have chosen a more tasteful dress. Then Tara, again with the ugly dress, but she looks amazing. If I had to guess, I'd say Mike's gonna take the prize. (ETA: Guess I wasn't so sure earlier...)

Tara chose the order of weight loss, based on percentage of weight lost on the ranch:

Helen: SW: 257. CW: 117 (-140 pounds) 54.47% Freakin' amazing!

Mike: SW: 388. CW: 181 (-207 pounds) 53.35%. Not enough to beat Helen, but close. He needed to lose another 5 pounds.

Tara looks like she knows that Helen has won it. She needs to lose more than 160 pounds. Did she do it?

Nope.

Tara: SW: 294. CW: 139 (-155 pounds) 52.72%

I know that Tara (and all of the contestants) have "won" by earning their lives, back. But I'd be lying if I said I was ok with the outcome. Helen beating Tara in the final weigh in was kind of like the New York Giants beating the then-unbeaten New England Patriots in the 2008 Super Bowl, except that I was happy with the Super Bowl outcome.

I smell a recall...

or a lawsuit.

Who in the world thought a scooter that shoots fire out the end was a good idea? I mean seriously, what do the user instructions say?

1. Do not ride while wearing long pants.
2. Do not ride near gas sources.
3. If you are especially hairy, wax your leg hair before attempting to ride.
4. Before riding, please review the attached instructions for stop, drop and roll.
   

And how much do you have to pay for the pleasure of this pyrotechnic pasttime? A mere $70! Heck, put your kid on a regular scooter and I'll run after them with a lit match for only $50.

Hallmark doesn't write 'em this good

Just so you know that I'm not as shallow as I sounded when I complained about the Jillian Michaels Wii game, I thought I'd share with you something each of my children said to me on the occasion of Mother's Day:

Last night at church, Fr. Scott offered a blessing for all mothers in the congregation, saying something about how mothers needed our love and support.

"Mom," Annie leaned over and whispered, "I support you."

Then this morning, while I was still in bed, Robbie crawled up and asked if he could cuddle up with me. "Sure," I said.

"When you are warm, I love you," he said. Melt me...

Finally, each of the kids made me a card. Charlie's said "Mom, you are the best. I wish I could have married you."

Those three things...that's all I needed for Mother's Day.

To the moms who make me a better mom

Happy Mother's Day to:

My mom, Julie: Who demonstrates commitment and perseverance and the importance of serving others

My mother-in-law, Karen: Who has taught me the value of laughter and who gave me the phrase "Please, boys, please..." which I use often

My grandma, Janet: Who continues to show me that you don't have to be the center of attention to make a difference

My NaNa: Who I miss dearly

Buck: Who has taught me that a mother's work (and love) is never done, even if I do live until I'm 90

Shelley, Angie & Erin: Who are beautifully raising the best nieces and nephews an aunt can ask for

Denise: Who has shown me that being the "mean" mom is often being the good mom

Beth: Who reminds me that standing up for our kids and sometimes questioning authority is part of the job

Lisa: Who is as much a spiritual model to me as she is to her own children

Birdie: Who is a huge reason why I am here today, still mothering

Lynn, Sharon, Momza, Shannon and all the other moms of the blogosphere: Who help me realize that even when we feel alone in our efforts, we mothers are part of a sisterhood where our experiences are often universal and where we are supported and held accountable for this most important job of ours

And lastly, to Mary, Mother of God: To whom I turn for divine intercession and whose example of holy motherhood is inspiring.

It's the thought that counts.

My husband is a terrible secret-keeper. One of the worst. Now, this year he didn't tell me what he was getting me for Mother's Day. Just as bad, he told the kids.

"It's something for the Wii," Charlie hinted a few days ago. And since I'm unaware of any Scrabble game for the Wii, I guessed to myself that it was something Biggest Loser-related.

My suspicions were confirmed when there were about 15 minutes of panic yesterday in which Mike and the kids seemed to have misplaced the gift. It wasn't real hard to figure out what they were talking about with Mike hollering "Where is the Jillian game?!"

Now, I KNOW that it's the thought that counts. And I KNOW that Mike saw this game and thought "Biggest Loser! She loves the Biggest Loser!" And that is truly sweet.

But, let's all put our chubby-plus thinking caps on. What might this gift say to someone who needs to lose 70 pounds?

"Hey, honey, you're fat so I bought you this," comes to mind.

In Mike's defense, he wanted to have my car detailed as a Mother's Day gift, but I declined because it was too much money. Using my own logic, the gift of a car detail might have said "Gee, your car is a pig sty," which is true (or was until I made the kids clean it out yesterday). But I can view my car being called a pig sty far more objectively than I can my body being called fat.

To be sure, he never said "You're fat," that's all my own inner translation of the message. I know that in Mike's mind, this gift said "I want you to be healthy and around for a long time."

And truthfully, it IS the thought that counts. Which is exactly what I will be telling myself as I exchange the Jillian Michael's game for a new outfit.

Gaining momentum: BL Twitter-quest

Update on my Twitter-quest to get to the Biggest Loser finale. I'm seeing more tweets, thanks to some of you who have been kind enough to call attention to my efforts on your own blogs. You people rock!

Of course, Alison Sweeney & Jillian Michaels probably think I'm a stalker now...