Sally Freakin' Foster

There are a lot of things I don't like about the back-to-school time of year. Things like getting kids into bed on time and getting kids out of bed on time. Like adding certain phrases back into my vernacular -- "Where's your assignment notebook?," "Don't forget your lunchbox," and "What do you mean your book report is due tomorrow?"

But what I hate most about this time of year is the Sally Foster sale. If you have no idea who or what Sally Foster is, consider yourself lucky.

Sally Foster is a fundraiser that many schools use to raise money for whatever they deem necessary. The Sally Foster catalog came home today -- bright and colorful and promising "inspiring solutions for every occasion."

I don't know about you, but I've never been too inspired by $12 giftwrap. Now, I will admit to being enticed by the Peppermint Topped Chocolate-Covered Cookies, though the hefty price tag on that does induce more exclamation than inspiration.

Of course the kids could care less about the double-sided foil gift wrap or the eucalyptus reed diffuser in an apothecary jar. What they want are the "gonna last for 2 days" crappy prizes they'll win if they sell 700 rolls of satin ribbon.

The school does its best to get the students revved up for the challenge. They have an assembly with a lot of cheering and classroom challenges and "you can do it if you set your mind to it" pep talks. Thankfully our new principal doesn't participate in the cross-dressing escapade the old head of the school did; several of us parents thought the latter enjoyed dressing like Sally Foster a wee bit too much.

This year to get the kids excited for the annual ritual, the principal flung a few flying monkeys into the student-filled bleachers. Too bad it was the kindergarten teacher who had to calm down my hysterical Robbie because he didn't get one.

By the time I arrived home, he had mostly forgotten about the monkeys. What he was focused on instead was the inflatable bowling set that can be all his if he just sells 50 items from the catalog. Charlie wants the inflatable chair with speakers (only 100 items) and Annie wants the iPod nano -- the only non-crappy item on the prize list.

So, if we can manage to sell 290 pieces of overpriced, er, high quality, gift wrap and other inspirational widgets, all will be well.

If not, I might have to put out a hit on Sally Foster.