Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'm in a food fight and I'm tired of it.
It seems that lately my whole existence is revolving around food and weight loss, diet and exercise. It's frustrating and exhausting and embarrassing. The quality of my days (was this a good day or a bad day) seem to hinge on whether I caved to the donut or made it to the gym.
I've felt this way before, only it wasn't about food and weight. When I was struggling with postpartum depression after Charlie was born, I recall saying to the woman who ran our support group that I was tired of waking up in the morning and being greeted by the presence of the depression first thing, wondering if today would be a good day or a bad day. "I'm tired of being defined by this," I said to the group.
And that's how I'm feeling about food and exercise right now. Defined by it. Consumed by it. I know it's all of my own making. I ate my way back into 20+ pounds. I sat on the couch most of the winter, even though I could feel my butt expanding underneath me.
I know what to do to get out of it. I know all the tips and tricks. The motivational sayings like "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" and "if you bite it, write it." I could tell you to park further away from your destination, to take the stairs, to do sit ups and crunches during the commercials on television, to split meals or box half of your entree as soon as the food is delivered in a restaurant. Oh trust me, if I had a curtain to hide behind, I could be the Wizard of Oz of weight loss.
So it has nothing to do with knowledge. It has everything to do with power. The power to say no to foods that aren't going to get me where I want to go. The power to say yes to exercise when I'd really rather stay home. The power to believe in myself that I can set a goal and achieve it.
But food has its own power too. I am an emotional eater. A donut or cookies or chips and salsa can bring an instant feeling of calm to my frenzied psyche when I'm wound up about something. And since Mike was laid off almost two weeks ago, food has been my drug of choice.
I haven't just rolled over and given up. I joined Weight Watchers (where I've watched my weight go up by 2 pounds over the past two weeks). I've made intermittent visits to the gym. I've walked on my lunch hour at work. I watch The Biggest Loser and Heavy for inspiration. I'm still working with FitCity Indianapolis and IN Shape Indiana -- and I believe everything I've said or done on behalf of those organizations and I've worked hard to be up front and honest about my own struggles. But I also have to believe that I am not alone, that many, many other people are waging their own food fights as well.
I wish I had some inspirational way to wrap up this post, some rah-rah-victory-is-mine sentiment. But I don't. All I have is a chance to make the right decisions today.
If you want to read some more straight-from-the-heart posts, visit Shell at Things I Can't Say to see today's Pour Your Heart Out participants.