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Monday, December 19, 2011

Where are you, Christmas?


Here we are, less than a week away from Christmas, and I find myself asking "Where are you, Christmas?" 

I've listened to the all-Christmas-all-the-time channel on the radio. I've fired up the Christian Christmas music on Pandora while I'm at work. I've wrapped Christmas presents. I've watched Christmas movie after Christmas movie and still I'm just not feeling it. 

I feel guilty over the fact that we haven't baked cookies or gone caroling or made any kind of Christmas memories that my kids will recall in years to come. But a combination of too many places to be and too much effort to make has done all that in.

I've tried to be charitable, to be in the spirit of the holiday, but dropping a gift under a tree for someone I whose need I can't see and whose face I won't experience feels so impersonal. I've handed money through the car window to the people on the street corner with their signs of despair. Yet, it's not enough. I feel like I want to get out and learn their stories. 

I think I'm overwhelmed by all of the stuff of Christmas. And the fact that nearly every paragraph of this post starts with "I" isn't lost on me. I'm feeling a very physical yearning to make some personal connection that will touch the Christmas place in my heart. How do I get outside of my own head?

I have six days left to make it happen. Six days to find Christmas.

3 comments:

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

pray

Eternal Lizdom said...

My holiday spirit is hurting this year. I'm struggling to hold on to it. I'll get it for a second and then it's gone.

I've shopped carefully this year- putting more thought into what I buy and where I buy it from.

I've given very generously this year- I believe in "giving until it hurts" and my wallet is feeling the pangs of my generosity. That normally leaves plenty of room for joy. But this year... the joy isn't pouring in... just... a level of sadness and I don't know why.

We've been caroling and done some baking and even had our first Christmas celebration with family and I'm still not excited about Christmas.

The sermon at church yesterday was all about the gift of Joy. My current devotional series is all about Joy. I'm surrounded by joy but not finding it inside and that isn't my normal self at all.

I just wish I knew why.

Amy said...

Ellen -- Working on it. Actually met with my spiritual director yesterday. She gave me an assignment that I'm looking forward to doing, as I think it will help. Now to make time to do it.

Liz -- Thanks for being so honest. I'm feeling the absence of joy as well, even while I have plenty of things to be joyful about. I think it has to do with the pace and busy-ness. I'm hoping a few days of cocooning with the family will help.