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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Black Jelly Bean Rescue Society

It happens every year at this time.


Candy lovers young and old tear through their Easter baskets, scarfing down Reese's peanut butter eggs and marshmallow Peeps. They methodically dismember chocolate rabbits and quickly eat the evidence. Fistfuls of Robin's Eggs are followed by quick pops of jelly beans. Until...

...only the lowly black jelly beans are in the bottom of the basket, left to sit and harden over a year's time until they are tossed when the Easter baskets are pulled out of storage again. That's if they are lucky.

The really unlucky black jelly beans are ridiculed and publicly humiliated.

"Ewww! I hate black jelly beans!"

"Those are so disgusting!"

I, for one, can no longer sit idly by, watching abuse heaped upon these poor stepchildren of the confectionary world. So I'm doing something about it.

I hereby announce the opening of the Black Jelly Bean Rescue Society (BJBRS - pronounced "bee-jee-bers). My Easter basket is open as a repository for all the unwanted, unloved, black licorice-flavored pellets.

The mission of BJBRS is to help these delicious bits of Easter candy realize their true potential: to bring mouth-watering joy to those who will consume them. Each black jelly bean surrendered to BJBRS will be stroked and complimented and loved.

"Look at you and your beautiful, shiny black coat."

"Well, don't you just smell delicious this morning."

And upon eating, "Mmmmmm! You taste sooooo good! I love you."

I promise a well-loved and dignified fate for every black jelly bean entrusted to me.

No questions will be asked of those who surrender their black jelly beans to BJBRS. I would rather you give them a loving end than cast them off to the bottom of the waste basket or damage their delicate psyches with hurtful words.

Please package them carefully in sandwich baggies, so as to avoid losing any to random sidewalks or sentencing them to a life under the front seat of the car. Should you have entire pre-packaged bags of black jelly beans (and if you hate them so, I can only believe you purchased them with evil in mind), please let me know in advance so I can be sure to have enough black jelly bean-loving foster homes prepared to accept them.

Together, we can end the humiliation and hatred against the gelee haricot de noir -- the black jelly bean.


Kris LaEace said...

Amy, you and my dad can fight over them - they are his favorite. When I make Easter baskets, I pick out all the black jelly beans and make sure they land in his basket!

Nancy said...

Oh my gosh....I need to share this with a friend of mine who is also a member of the same rescue group!

Beth Zimmerman said...

I'm definitely in the haters society! In fact ... since an unpleasant encounter with a bag of sugar free jelly beans ... I avoid the whole genre! :) Cute post, Amy!

varangianguard said...

That was an awesome piece of writing! rofl

Ellen aka Ellie said...

I didn't buy any jelly beans this Easter, but last year I saved two whole black only bags from an unknown fate.

Here's something I learned jelly beans in mass quantities turn, um, things green.

Amy's Mom said...

Amy, you get your love for BJB's honestly. Your PAPA always got all our BJB's, and very willingly, I admit!

Amy said...

LOVE it!!!!
You make me laugh :)