I don't need a press release to tell me about stress relief

A few days ago, I received this PR pitch in my e-mail:

I thought to myself, "I don't need an expert to tell me how to release my stress. I have up-close-and-personal experience with that all by myself." So today, I'm going to tell you how to release stress in less than 5 minutes without buying someone's book.

Eat something. Today is National Donut Day, but a donut -- or 3 -- can make stress disappear right quick. Another good choice is a chocolate frosted brownie. Ice cream is always helpful, too. You can try to harness the stress-relieving power of carrots if you'd like, but I can't promise results.

Throw a hissy fit. Stomp your feet. Bang your hands. Scream. Cry. Blurt out whatever words make you feel better.  If "Oh pickles!" is the phrase that pays in your stress relief, holler it with gusto.

Color. Grab some crayons and paper and color. I don't know if it's the rhythm of moving the crayon  back and forth across the paper or if it's the satisfaction of smashing wax against something, but I find coloring helps when I am stressed.

Swing. Quick! Find the nearest playground and hop on a swing. Pump your legs, breathe in the air as you lean back, exhale as you swing forward. Works every time. Unless it's raining. Then it might just add to your stress. Also, if you have a violent streak and might be tempted to kick over some little kid running in front of your swing, head to the bakery instead. (See above: Eat something.)

Pray: My priest will be happy that I included this option in my list. Praying that God will come and annihilate whomever it is that is causing you stress probably won't be very fruitful. But praying for peace, calm, understanding, or strength is a good idea.

Fart. Let's be honest. Sometimes stress gets you right in the gut. Let a big, stinky one rip and chances are you'll feel much better.

What are your favorite ways to relieve stress?

My first Unwich experience

There are a lot of things to love about Jimmy John's. Tasty food. Free delivery. Funny commercials. Thinny chips. Salt and vinegar chips. The Vito (that's an  Italian sub with salami, provolone, capicola, onion, lettuce, tomato & Italian vinaigrette). The hot peppers that are so hot I order them, let the juice soak in and then take the actual peppers off before eating the sandwich. And of course the bread. Oh, the BREAD. 

I don't know what it is about Jimmy's John's bread, but it is soooo gooood. It also has a lot of carbs, which I'm trying to cut back on. Plus, without the bread, the calorie count for a Vito falls to 340 from 600 calories. So today, I decided to give an Unwich a try. For my first experience, it was decent. I'd give it a 7 out of 10. Some of that was JJ's fault. Some was my own. 

Those are not my man hands. I didn't take a before pic, so I had to Google one.

I ordered a #5 Unwich, the Vito, with no onions. I got a #5 Vito with onions. I was so distracted by the new unwichian adventure that I forgot to order hot peppers. (I had it delivered, so I couldn't take it back to make it right. Although, if I was in the store, I probably would have let #1 & 2 slide anyway. It wasn't that big of a deal.)

I knew I'd seen signs at JJ's before about how to eat an Unwich, so I Googled it just to school myself on the proper technique. It seems the cardinal rule is DO NOT UNWRAP THE UNWICH.

Then, I UNWRAPPED THE UNWICH. Yes, I did. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. The lettuce was sticking out the end kind of floppy and it just seemed awkward to eat it all wrapped up. Plus, I didn't want to get a biteful of paper. (For what it's worth, I unwrap my Taco Bell, too.) Once I had it unwrapped, then it was really awkward to eat. So, I got a plate and cut up my Unwich to eat like a salad. 

Functionally, it worked pretty well that way. Flavorfully, I kept thinking how much better this salad would be with a little more dressing and a side of that delicious Jimmy John's bread. And I knew that in about 2 hours I was going to be hungry again, which turned out to be right on the money. 

Speaking of money, when you order an Unwich, they charge you the same amount they charge for the sandwich. That seems kind of like a crock. That's like saying the bread is free, which it's not because if you try to buy the bread by itself, it costs 50 cents. So it seems like an Unwich should be at least 50 cents cheaper. 

Maybe next time, I'll just order the regular Vito (no onions and add hot peppers, please), then dump the guts onto a plate to eat with a fork and save the bread for the kids or to freeze and make garlic bread with later. I would also make sure I had some fruit or Thinny Chips to go with it.

Do you wish you had an Unwich?  

Well, you don't see that every day

Today has been an interesting day. As far as days go, it wasn't anything special. Kids to school. Me to work. Same old, same old.

But I saw several things today that would qualify as unusual. Or interesting. Or cool.

First, there was the man stopped in his truck at the traffic signal who was using the down time to trim the hairs in his nose with an electronic nose hair trimmer. I'm glad I wasn't eating breakfast when I saw that.

There was the guy who drove the wrong way up a one-way highway ramp. I watched as he figured it out, about half-way up the ramp, and turned around. He didn't appear to be impaired, just geographically challenged.

Oh, I saw a Cinderella horse and buggy. I've seen plenty of horse-drawn carriages downtown before. But instead of a wooden "wagon," this one had a white, wire, pumpkin-shaped carriage attached to it.

Then there was the great white shark ferociously attacking a wooden seal decoy. Ok, so I saw that one on an IMAX movie screen at the Indiana State Museum, but it was still cool.

But the most unusual, and the coolest, thing I saw all day was this:

C'mon, sing it with me -- Nananana nananana...Batman!

What remarkable thing have you seen lately?

Wind down Memorial Day with "Taking Chance"

Four years ago on Memorial Day weekend, I was taking advantage of the slow weekend and flipping through the channels. It was in the midst of a free HBO cable channel trial period and I happened on a movie called "Taking Chance."

I'll admit, I was first drawn in by Kevin Bacon. But I took my fingers off the TV remote because the story wrapped its emotions around me and didn't let me go.

"Taking Chance" is based on a true story and an article written by Marine Lt. Col. Mike Strobl, who volunteered to escort the body of fallen soldier PFC Chance Phelps back to his Wyoming hometown.

The film shows the reverence and care with which a soldiers body is readied for return home, the honor and respect the soldier and military escort are given throughout the journey home and the emotions experienced by many people along the way. 

What the movie does not do is take sides. It is not a propaganda piece for or against the military. It does not take advantage of the audience and try to hammer home a political message. "Taking Chance" is about people, not ideology. 

So if you are winding down your Memorial Day weekend and want to take some time to reflect on the purpose of this day, I encourage you to give "Taking Chance" some of your time. 

You can download it from Amazon Instant Video (pardon the messy link, I'm posting this from my phone):

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B003URYMX6/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1369702659&sr=1-1&pi=SL75

If you watch it or if you've seen the movie before, let me know what you think.

Say what, Google search?

I try hard not to use my phone in the car. I used to talk on the phone all the time while driving and I've been able to cut back on that. I'm pretty good about not texting, though I will answer a text when I'm stopped at a red light. My phone doesn't have Siri, so I don't have one of those talk-to-text features. But it does have a voice search function.

I can hold down the home button on the phone and say "Call Annie, mobile," and it will, which is pretty sweet. I can also use the voice search function to search Google. That comes in handy from time to time. Like last week, for instance. I was on my way to the Indiana Soybean Alliance for a blogger's event. I had a pretty good idea of where I was going, but wanted to confirm the address. So I held down the button, waited for the beep and said in (what I thought was a very) clear voice:

"Indiana Soybean Alliance"

What I said and what Google Voice heard were two different things. What Google gave back to me was: "Indiana Sleeping Alliance."  Not what I was looking for, but something I should keep in the back of my mind for future use.

So I tried it again, this time trying to be more clear with my enunciation: "Indiana Soybean Alliance"

Google Voice: "Indiana Floyd bean Alliance" Ugh. No.

Me: "Indi-ANa- SsssOY-beaN Alliance"

Google Voice: "Indiana silly bean Alliance"

Still determined, I decided to change the search a little, not sure if it was really the soybean alliance or the soybean board.

Me: "Indiana Soybean Board"

Google Voice: "Indiana saw you being bored"

Well, I don't know if anyone saw me being bored, but if they were looking in my direction, they  probably saw me being frustrated and shouting into the pinhole microphone of my phone.

Me: "IN-DI-AN-A SsoooY-beaN BOARD"

Google Voice: "Indiana so you being bored"

Why I didn't just give up, I don't know. Call it determination or rage-born stubbornness. So I tried a different approach this time.

Me: "Soy BEAN Indiana"

Google Voice: "So I mean Indiana"

With that I waved the white flag and waited for the next red light, where I typed in "Indiana Soybean Alliance" and where Google promptly responded accurately. Finally.

Ahh...first world problems.

This Mommy's favorite game - #LTYM 2013

As promised in yesterday's post, here is the text of the essay I read at Listen to Your Mother Indianapolis earlier this month:

Photo by Mike Washington Photography

This Mommy’s Favorite Game
I’m not sure what happens at your house, but in our house, we spend a lot of time playing games. They mostly fall into two categories -- those that involve suicidal birds or digital versions of famous sports stars (I’m talking video games, people) and those that require hours of practice, driving to fields and gyms all over creation and result in foul-smelling laundry.

A typical weekend for our family looks like this:  basketball, soccer, play practice -- drama is a game all unto itself -- on Saturday, followed by more drama and soccer on Sunday. I’m sure you’re familiar with that.

But games are not just for kids. I have a favorite game that I like to play, too. It's called "Mommy's Legs Are Broken and She Can't Get Off the Couch."

My favorite game has just two basic rules:

1. It can only be played when there is nowhere anyone has to be, because Mommy's legs are pretty much required for driving to soccer practice. Which means getting to play this game is a darn near-miracle.

2. It can only be played when Daddy is not home. Otherwise Daddy will try to play too and, well, that just ruins everything.

Other than that, “Mommy’s Legs Are Broken” has no rules. There are no uniforms to be washed, although jammies are recommended.  No equipment necessary, but I will say that having the phone, iPad and TV remote within reach makes it  more enjoyable.

The game generally starts when one or more children ask for something that he or she is perfectly capable of getting for themselves.

Kid: "Mommy, can you get me a glass of milk?"

Me: "Nope. Sorry."

Kid: "Why not?"

Me: "Because Mommy's legs are broken and she can't get off the couch."

Kid: "Arrgghh! Not again! I hate this game."

Which is how you know this is a real game, because there are members of the "opposing" team saying not so nice things to your team.

From there, the game is totally up to the Mommy.

"Can you please bring me a Diet Coke?" -- Pleases and thank yous and other common courtesies are still expected. Mommy's legs may be broken, but her sense of social etiquette is not.

"Can you pick up all the shoes and take them to the right rooms upstairs?"

Generally, this game is a good way to get things accomplished, like having the family room picked up, without Mommy having to be the one to do all the work.

Warning: once the children get the hang of the game, they will try to play too. This is NEVER allowed. Kids’ legs are never broken. Only Mommy's.

The game can end in a variety of ways:

1.   Mommy's had enough rest that she feels ready to take on the family again. Please note: this has never, in the history of “Mommy’s legs are broken,” ever happened.

2.   The doorbell rings and a stranger is at the door. At this point,  Mommy must get off the couch because children are not allowed to open the door for strangers. (You can keep the game going by telling all the kids to be quiet and act like no one is home, hoping the stranger leaves soon.)

3.   A fight breaks out among the children resulting in blood or bones sticking out. Any other level of fighting can be dealt with from the couch, generally by leveling threats such as “no video games for a week” or “I will make tuna noodle casserole for dinner if you don’t knock it off.”

4.   The house catches fire and Mommy must evacuate.

There you have it. The basics of my favorite game, "Mommy's Legs Are Broken and She Can't Get Off the Couch." Coming in a boxed set with bonus margarita mix to a store near you this Mother’s Day.

They laughed at me

They laughed at me and that was a very good thing. It's been 13 days since Listen to Your Mother -- Indianapolis. Almost two weeks since 14 of us stormed the stage at the Indiana History Center to share our tales of motherhood in all its glory...and other forms that motherhood takes.

The experience left me feeling like there are not enough words in the English language to describe the emotions, the mood and the connections. Amazing. Magical. Fantastical. Those are a few good ones to start.

Many of my fellow cast members shared stories that were poignant and heart-tugging. Not me. I have motherhood stories like that, sure. But I wanted to share laughter. When I read my piece at the first LTYM rehearsal, I was a little worried how it would be received. They laughed at me. Those 13 other women sat around the table and laughed at the words I'd written -- exactly as I'd hoped they would.

So on the night of Listen to Your Mother, I prayed that the nearly-sold out audience would find my words just as ticklish to their senses of humor.

I launched into my piece, titled "This Mommy's Favorite Game." In the first few sentences, there were a few chuckles. But when I hit my first big punch line, close to 300 people looked at me, tossed back their heads and roared with laughter.

I loved it.

I stopped for a minute, looked around and soaked up all the laughter. It was like fuel for my soul. I kept moving through my story, more talking to my 300 closest friends for the moment than reading, pausing to listen to the chuckles, the guffaws, the chortles, the giggles.


And just like that, it ended. My piece was over and the laughter settled. But I can still hear it, still feel it's warmth. It's addicting. I crave it.

And I wonder just where it is that I will get my next fix. 

------
If you have just a minute, you can read the text of my humorous essay. And if you wait until later in the summer, I'll post the link to the video of whole dang show!

(PS -- Thanks to Mike Washington Photography for all the terrific photos.)