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Monday, May 31, 2010

Hell hath no fury... a woman trying on a swimsuits.

I like to shop. I might even go so far as to say I love to shop. But not for swimsuits. Shopping for a swimsuit is the essence of evilness. Shopping for a swimsuit under a deadline is like dancing with the devil himself.

It's Memorial Day weekend, so all the pools were open. And of course the kids were just dying to go. I did not have a suit to wear, however. So on Sunday, I left the kids with Mike at the pool and dashed off to the store to find a suit.

Actually, I had bought two suits at Costco earlier in the day. Unfortunately, when I got them home to try them on, the first one made me look like a decorative sausage. The second one spilled my "girls" more than a toddler spills apple juice when learning to drink out of a big kid cup.

So, I headed to JC Penney. I've had luck there finding sensible, reasonably priced, relatively non-ugly fashions before. But once I found the swimsuits, I had a hard time figuring out which ones were meant for someone of my age and, let's politely say, composition. After a few minutes, I keyed into the racks that said "Misses" and "Women's" on them and felt pretty confident I could find something there.

I took about six suits into the dressing room with me. Suits 1, 2 and 3 were quickly rejected for reasons of fit, pattern, support (or not) in the chestal region, and the degree of nether region shaving that would be required to wear them.

Suits 4, 5, and 6 were all possibilities. I had to try them each on several times. Kind of like when you go to the eye doctor and he says "Which is better 4 or 5? 5 or 6? 4 or 6?" Of course it was so blasted hot, that putting the suits on my sweaty body (all essential areas covered, thankyouverymuch) was not an easy task.

The suit (#5) I settled on was a "this will do in a pinch" choice. The pattern might be a little matronly -- though I'd love to have it in a bedspread. And there is a part of me that associates swim dress with grandmother, but I like that the skirt provides more coverage of my rear and thighs.


You didn't think I was actually going to post a picture of me WEARING the suit, did you? I've bared myself in the fat dress, but I draw the line at swimsuits.

When I called to tell Mike I was on my way back to the pool, he asked if I'd found a sexy suit. Now, I do have clothes that make me feel curvy and attractive, and yes, even sexy. However, this swimsuit -- likely, ANY swimsuit -- does not do that.

But it keeps me from having to go skinny dipping at a public pool, so I'll take it.


kimybeee said...

i bought a speedo suit on clearance once at kohl's. i would never have paid what they cost until i actually bought the suit and put it on. spandex is a miraculous thing and those suits are worth every dime!!! it tucks and pulls and hides all kinds of fat, it didn't fade or shrink, and it has lasted forever!! i am talking pool, and beach and many, many washes. so, bite the bullet and try on the more expensive suits, cause they are more cost effective than buying four or five of the creepy cheap ones!

Linda in Winnipeg said...

Well I think I need a speedo that goes from my knees to my chin.. and it should get my upper arms too!

I have actually lost a lot of weight and recently inherited a couple of my daughters' bathing suits. Not my taste and not "matronly" enough, but the price was sure right!

Linda in Winnipeg

Amy B said...

Well written (spoken)! I have a great top to a tankini, but the bottoms are about 20 years old (yes, an exaggeration) and have lost their elasticity in the waist - not really a good idea for skiing and/or swimming. I'm heading out this week. I may take kimybeee's advice (though, admittedly, I hate spending money on something I despise so much!).

Eternal Lizdom said...

I went suit sopping at Kohl's on Saturday... have to stop wearing the maternity tankini! I started looking for a whole new suit... and got SO overwhelmed! I ended up finding a little atheltic boy short bottom thingee that I liked and can wear with the top i got on clearance from Lands End a year ago and never wore because it was too small.

Shauna said...

I hate buying swimsuits. They suck all my confidence right out!

I think swim dresses have a reputation for being "grandmotherly" but they are much more comfortable than other options.

I have to say, if you frequent the pool, you should check out the swimsuits at Lands End. I bought one online (before getting pregnant... oh God, please let me be able to wear it post-baby). They are quite expensive, but they are AMAZING. I bought mine online, and the measurements are perfect (but they do have a good returns policy if it doesn't fit).

Mike Magan said...

I thought you looked cute.

Don't worry about the pattern- it is fine, if the pattern was alot smaller and multiplied like houndstooth or something THEN it would be matronly.

Super-enlarged flower patterns (on all size and shaped suits, not just those in the womens or misses dept) are in.

Shell said...

Oh, yuck- I have to find a suit for this year. *Shudders in horror*

Gay Wakefield said...

Mike, I've always liked you, but that comment warrants a bear hug ... especially because I know you meant it. Incidentally, I also am impressed that you know mod flowers are in style. :-D

Cat said...

Big flowers are in!

I'm sure you looked great... I tend to do my swimsuit shopping online, because it's hard to find anything in a store that supports my chest.

Amy said...

@Kimmybee & @ Shauna - I've had good luck w/Lands End suits, too. Just didn't order one in time. I hem and haw about ordering one because they are so pricey. But they do last.

@Mike - Thanks...

@Gay - Oh, he is SO way more fashion forward than I am.

Beth Zimmerman said...

I always buy mine online ( or and have had good luck with them. But getting into a swimsuit is NOT fun ... especially when you're warm. And wearing them in public is worse!

Sharon said...

I like it. It's a nice pattern, can be flirty not just matronly. ;)
I am a fan of the swim skirt-bottoms. I need to buy a new swimsuit-actually supposed to do it last week, but this weekend it's a must. HATE the swimsuit shopping.
I found one at JCP I hope will be available in my size.

Too bad we're not close enough to go together!

Nate's Mom said...

That is a cute swim suit Amy. I bought a tankini top with a skirted bottom last summer and LOVE it. The bottom is black. I love the extra coverage on my bum too. I think skirted suits can be flirty. They do not have to be matronly. I saw them on tiny woman sizes too, lol. I do hate shopping for a swim suit though. Glad you foind one that works!

Sheri in CA ~ Who is officially working to lose the grad school 50!

Mrs4444 said...

I like the suit a lot! Aren't husbands insane?

Shelley said...

I have a two piece suit -- NO NOT A BIKINI!! -- that has a skirty-type thing on the bottom and a tank-style top. It covers the maximum amount of me with, I'm hoping, the minimum amount of Granny-vibe. It's navy blue with lime green and blue racing stripes.

I bought it online. :)