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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Are you suffering from FFS?

If you live in one of the 30 states in the U.S. currently under attack by the snow and ice, you are at risk for FFS. Family Fatigue Syndrome.

FFS affects each person differently and at different levels of exposure to family togetherness. Symptoms of FFS include:
  • Locking yourself in the bathroom and telling those inevitably calling to you from the other side that you have a sudden and wicked intestinal virus and you can't possibly leave the bathroom for the next two hours.
  • Inability to make gentle suggestions such as "could you please unload the dishwasher." Rather, what comes out of your mouth is "You have 5 minutes to unload the dishwasher or else you will never play video games again for the rest of your life."
  • Poor decision-making skills, marked by manic thoughts of slipping down your icy street in your pajamas, screaming "Please don't make me go back there!"
  • Acts of borderline child neglect such as locking the doors while the kids are outside playing in the snow, then going to watch a movie with the volume turned up REALLY loud.
  • Distorted interpretations of Carol Brady. Instead of baking cookies for your loving offspring, you throw a roll of slice-and-bake cookie dough on the table and tell them to fend for themselves.
  • Intermittent periods of catatonia during which your family says you have a strange glazed look and a frightful smile while muttering "Hi Boss! So good to see you again."
  • Displays of desperation for animal care. This might show itself in ways such as throwing open the door, running to the middle of the back yard, disrobing from the waist down, squatting and going #2 while yelling, "See dog? It IS possible to poop in the back yard during a snowstorm!"
An associated affliction to FFS is HFS -- husband fatigue syndrome. This is much more severe than FFS. If you are feeling any stir craziness or animosity toward your husband as a result of being enclosed in the same house for days on end, suggest that he go elsewhere for a little while. Like Wyoming.

If you have any of the above symptoms, please for the love of all sanity, get out of the house RIGHT NOW. Go to a childless neighbor's house. Slip and slide your way to the grocery store. Sit in the car with a bottle of wine and Facebook on your phone. Save yourself. Do it now!

13 comments:

Mike Magan said...

OHHH man the last bullet point is awesome - I wish I had my camera when you did that!

Nancy said...

I would love a small dose of FFS. I have been to work all week and I will be there tomorrow as well. I hope that you all recover soon!

Maria said...

Good post Amy! You said just what I was thinking!

Momza said...

ha! too funny.
and yes, I think I have FFS...maybe a Pepsi instead of the wine?

Joanie said...

Oh. My. God. I am laughing out loud at the thought of you pooping in the middle of your yard to show the dog how to do it. This is why I have cats.

kimybeee said...

i am loving the potty training image as i type with my daughters dog lying on my chest. sophie fails to grasp the concept of going outside too - she thinks outside is to play and inside is to potty! maybe she needs that visual even though we have an older dog that is a good example! lol mike, i don't think you would have lived to post that pic! lol

Nate's Mom said...

OMG! This is too funny. I am laughing at the image of you squatting in the snow, as I sit here sipping my iced tea (seriously). I have been watching the storm footage on the news. I cannot even imagine.

Mrs4444 said...

Perfect pick to link up tonight, Beth! I love it. I'm sure a lot of us can relate. Us Packer fans have had the playoffs to get us through January. After this weekend, though, it's gonna be a lot tougher to take! (Well, unless we win, of course!:)

Mrs4444 said...

Forgive me, Amy, for calling you Beth; I'm deliriously tired. Yes, I'm off to bed soon...

As Cape Cod Turns said...

Coming over from Mrs. 4444s! I can picture you in your car with a bottle of wine and facebook! Perfect idea!

Everyday Kathy said...

What a riot!> Not sure what it means that I feel a few of these symptoms even though I live in sunny California now. Perhaps it is PTSD from growing up in the northeast!

So nice to meet you through Mrs. 4444's Sampling! I am following you now!

lisleman said...

this sounds a lot more medical than cabin fever - but the description is great.

gaelikaa said...

Ha ha, you don't have to live in the US to suffer from that.