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Thursday, January 1, 2009

2009 resolutions for other people

I'm feeling a little bit of (self-imposed) pressure to post a New Year's Day entry all about my hopes, dreams and resolutions for 2009. And I thought seriously about doing that. But the list of all the things I want to change or do differently is so long -- Mike calls it my "Litany of all things wrong" -- that I just can't face it right now.

So, I thought instead I'd do what I do best. Tell other people what to do. So here goes:

My 2009 Resolutions for Other People

Mike: Resolve to stop leaving dishes in parts of the house that are not the kitchen. I'm not going to tell a grown man that he can't eat or drink in front of the TV, but for cryin' out loud, take the dishes to the kitchen sink when you are done!

Annie: Resolve to say "Ok, Mom" in any situation where you feel that arguing a point is necessary. Two little words, easy enough. "Ok, Mom."

Charlie: Resolve to make me look like a good mom by bringing home your assignment notebook, completely filled in, every day. And doing the homework that's listed there.

Robbie: Resolve to start sleeping past 6:30am on Saturdays and any other day we don't have to get up early for school.

Denise: I'm good with your resolution to do a 5K, but Race for the Cure does not count. Do it, absolutely. It's a great event. But it is more of a social event/cultural statement than a race. So do RftC and one other 5K that involves a little more athletic output. (And when you do RftC, get there early enough to see the Survivors' Parade. Bring Kleenex.)

Beth: Resolve to yell. Just once. I mean really scream. I've never seen you mad. That can't be good for your chakras or whatever. And when you do yell, I'd love to be there (as long as you're not yelling at me).

Lisa: Resolve to play hooky one Friday and join us for coffee and "therapy."

Mary: Resolve to keep notes on your experience as a salesperson at a high-end store. I see a Nanny Diaries-type bestseller in your future.

Allison Sweeney (Biggest Loser host): Resolve to find a new stylist. I would swiftly ditch the one who put you in that hideous green dress for the BL finale last month.

Biggest Loser: Resolve not to jump the shark by turning the show into a freak show. There's fat and then there is freaky fat.

Burger King: Resolve to find a new marketing strategy. Simpson's kids' meal toys, Whopper virgins and cologne that smells like "seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat" just makes you the trailer trash of fast food chains.

Mike: Thought of another one. Resolve to clean out the garage and keep it clean so we can park the cars in there.

The potential employer who hasn't responded yay or nay regarding Mike's interview: Resolve to hire him already. He'll do a great job!

Charlie: Another one for you too. Resolve to stop throwing clean, folded laundry into the dirty clothes. It'll save me a lot of yelling and you a lot of punishment.

Shelley: Resolve to take a walk on the wild side and let the kids out of the house once in a while in outfits that are not perfectly coordinated by Gymboree.

Robbie: Resolve to go to sleep in your own bed, all by yourself, all night long.

Annie: Didn't want you to feel left out with only one. So resolve to continue to stay out of all the cliquishness and cat fighting that seems to come with 6th grade girls. Be friends with who you want to be friends with and phooey on anyone who doesn't like it.

The producers of The Office: Resolve to bring back Holly. She was good for Michael and for the show.

Bill: Resolve to find joy in every day. Not necessarily all day long. But acknowledge at least one thing every day that is good.

Angie: Resolve to give me a new niece or nephew in 2009 (which means this is a resolution for Jason, too!)

Mike: One final one (at least that I'll post here). Resolve to keep me honest about exercising 3 times a week (why don't you join me?) and to stop enabling my fat by bringing me chocolate and ice cream. I know, resolve to have some fruit.

Now that wasn't too bad, was it? As for me, without listing the multitude of things I want to change, I'll say this:

I resolve to take control of my health, using the tools that I have at my disposal; to be more present to my family; and to try to bring more order to the chaos that is my life.

So how about you? What are your New Year's resolutions? Got any for me?


Anonymous said...

I think I could manage to make good on your resolution for me...but until after the Dominican!

Anonymous said...

Never heard me yell??? Ask my kids - they've heard it. So, I guess that means I need a new resolution - I'd post it here but I don't want you to tell me it doesn't count!! So, what do you think?
Love ya,

Anonymous said...

I resolve to GET a CAR, and my hope is for it to happen by the end of Jan! Reasonable - I hope so! Also to have each person in the house go through each piece of clothing and discard or donate what is not actually used!

Anonymous said...

LMAO. ha ha. love your resolutions for others. too funny. thank you for my mid-day chuckle during work.