I am NOT the Biggest Loser.

About a month ago, I joined Weight Watchers. I figured, thirteenth time's the charm, right? Anyway, after today's weigh-in, I knew I just had to come tell you about my progress. In four weeks' time, I have lost...drumroll, please...

0.4 pounds! That's right. Almost a half a pound in four weeks!

Actually, the first week I lost 3.2 pounds. I was pretty pleased with myself because I hadn't actually followed any particular plan. I didn't write down what I ate. I didn't count any points or measure cups of pasta.

"I am practicing mindful eating," I told myself. And it worked to the tune of 3.2 pounds.

The next week, I didn't weigh in because the kids were on Fall Break. Mike took them to see his parents and I stayed behind to catch up on work and to rid the house of the "Goodwill store just exploded" look.

And I mindfully ate things like a hot Italian sub sandwich chased by two big chocolate chip cookies; a sausage and banana pepper pizza, stretched over dinner and breakfast the next day; and potato corn chowder, hot rolls and brownies. Not exactly "diet" food, but I was working up quite a sweat in my de-cluttering marathon, so I figured I was working off anything I was putting in.

Not quite. The scale at the next WW meeting showed a 1.2 pound gain. Of course, it's hard to tell how accurate that was because the weather had turned colder and my warmer clothing probably weighed more. Besides, I was still 2 pounds ahead of the game.

Then came Halloween. I proudly avoided the snack-size sweets at the neighbors' party and stuck with liquids -- namely martinis.

"This liquid diet is sure to pay off at the scale," I thought, congratulating myself on the addition of fruit into my evening consumption in the form of raspberry and lemon drop martinis.

After the haunted holiday was over, I performed the sacrificial act so many moms share in to protect their children's dental health: I ate the snack-size Snickers and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups out of the treat bags so my children wouldn't have to.

Once the treat bags were polished off (I actually threw some of the candy away -- the DumDum suckers and anything containing coconut -- blech!), I did begin to worry a little about this week's weigh in. So I made whole wheat pasta and salad for dinner on Monday night and vowed to be the best Weight Watcher ever for the rest of the week.

Then the election happened and the next morning I thought the folks in my office might be in a mood, either celebratory or sorrowful, and might need a little something. Pumpkin donuts seemed to fit the bill.

Willpower, where art thou?! Buried under the donuts, I think.

I wished it were me buried under something at today's weigh in. Up another 1.6 pounds for a total one-month weight loss of 0.4 pounds. I could have saved the money, had one bout of intestinal flu and lost more than that.

So, it turns out I am NOT the Biggest Loser this week. But I am not discouraged. They say the longer it takes you to lose the weight, the more likely you are to keep it off. So I figure if I hit my goal by the time I turn 67, then I'm home free for the rest of my days!